Moon Hanger*
Last night the girls and I went out. So many things happened and yes X, I did make notes on a napkin. One of my notes: How many men does it take to hang a moon? I don’t know if I ever said it out loud or when I wrote it down. But I did. The napkin’s sitting right here beside me.
I was minding my business, reaching my newly established two-gimlet drink limit when a dude walks over to me. He reaches out and shakes my hand. He tells me I look familiar. (Likely story) Then he tells me that we met at his nephew’s house. I’m still like, “Uh, ok, if you say so.” Then he tells me his name. Still, I’m like, “Duh.” Then he gives me his nephew’s first and last name…TXXX HXXXX (Some of you know him as Sir-Whores-A-Lot). To which I’m still like, “Who?” We exchanged a couple of awkward glances because I still had no freaking idea who the hell this TXXX person was. As I was turning back around, the first person I saw was Edwige and that’s when it hit me–only because her and him live(d) not far from one another. Has it been that long that I don’t even know his freaking name? At the time we were ‘dating’ this man hung the moon for me. And today, just like a few years after, I didn’t even recognized his name. Bwahahahahahaaa!! Can you tell I’m so over it?
Anyhow, the theme of last night seemed to be ‘old loves’. That person who, no matter where you go or what you do, you’re still connected. Can this connection truly exist if you’ve moved on? Tricky. Ya see, I have felt like I was connected to someone AND had moved on with the emotional strings uncut. I was wrong. I was connected to who he was way back when. Better still, I was connected to who I was way back then. I was addicted to him and the way he made me felt. And like any addict, even when you put the pipe down, you still secretly long for the feeling of that high. You might fight it, but you know you can’t be in a room with the pipe. It calls you…like crack did to Pookie. Truth was, he and I had both changed. Grown in different directions that made our connection not only unrealistic but not conducive to our moving on.
Amazingly, Anthony Hamilton’s new video is on. As I write this and think about lost loves, isn’t this such a fitting song? “I’m gonna love you anyway. You are my life…I can’t let go…” WTF-ever.
I’ll just tell you about one of the two times I got over ‘old love’. How was I eventually able to really move on?? After soooo many years? It literally just happened. It wasn’t anything I ever planned. Sure I wanted to put the pipe down. But there was no ‘Crack Recovery for Idiots’ book I could go to. I played it out til the last act, final curtain, and the band packing up!
I looked at him one day and saw him. I mean truly saw this MF. I looked at him and really saw him probably for the first time since I met him at 19. I just didn’t feel anything. Because I SAW him for what he was and not just how he made me feel at 19. Later that night, things came to a head. I started to actually react to him in a way he was not pleased with. Cus I was responding to who he was that night, not who I wanted him to be or who I thought he was. This caused a glitch in our whole matrix. And he wasn’t willing to deal with the change. He took me home that night and on the ride we were silent. I reflected but I had no pleasant memories of him. Can you imagine? Color a b*tch pissed and feeling cheated!! We’ve not spoken since. This was a couple years ago I guess.
I really had moved on. But it took me to get locked in the moment to know I was over him. On some level, I thought that if I were to get over him, maybe I never loved him to begin with. I’m still on the fence about this one. Or if I got over him, I could remove the part of me that he’d created. Just because you get over a person, a relationship, a situation, it doesn’t mean it leaves you. I firmly believe we are the sum total of our experiences. When you get into a good place, a place I think I’m in now, you look back upon it all thankfully. I wouldn’t trade 99.7% of my experiences with the League of Extraordinary Men. (There was one night in particular that I wish I could take back.) But those experiences, good or bad, made me into the person I am today. Gerald Levert even sang about it, “And every girlfriend. And every one nite stand. Every heartbreak and every heartache led me to ya. It drew me to ya. It made me better. Better suited for ya.”
As an aside, I’m not one of those women doesn’t want to know about my man’s ex’s. I want to know because they made him who he is. They made this man who, as O stated, “…is perfectly suited to make me happy without even trying.”
When I left the spot last night, early, as I often do, the first person I called, without even giving it any thought? Manfriend. I told him that when I leave from hanging out with my girls, I appreciate him so much more. And by ‘appreciate him so much more’, I mean love him just a wee bit more. Not because of what my girls do or don’t have with men. Because we’ve all come so daggone far. Single or with significant other. Because many of the issues people have, I just don’t have with him. Not to say I never had those issues cus Gawd knows I have–we all have. I jus don’t have them with him. Don’t get it twisted. His ass can get on my nerves as I know I can get on his. Between me and you (y’all), the only time he really gets on my nerves is when we’re looking for a parking space. I don’t know what happens in those 15 minutes. But his hunting technique flies directly in the face of my let’s-just-sit-and-wait methodology. And because it’s when I’m out with the girls that I’m most likely to be confronted with some former significant other’s aura. Yet, I never once think, “What if?”
I guess I have answered the question on my napkin. If you think you’re connected to old loves, if you also sincerely believe and feel you’ve moved on….And I’m not talking about when you move on out of desperation or in an attempt to get over the old love. I’m talking about when every fiber of your being is somewhere else. At the very most, old loves might arrange the stars. But hanging the moon? Not so much. That’ a one man job. At least over at The After Party.
*If at any point this whole Me and Him thing goes south, I maintain the right to take back everything I just wrote!
Hanging with my girls also makes me appreciate my guy.
I had a guyfriend who I thought I would always love, although I never loved him, which I knew whenever we were together. It was the apart that created the confusion. One evening as he tried to seduce me and I silently prayed “Lord help me want to do this” and I still couldn’t I realized it was time to let my dream of him go.
Men are much better in theory. That’s my opinion.
Comment by c2A — December 23, 2005 @ 6:e pm
Thanks for this post. It helped a lot with what I am going through… That is the sum of all of it! Thanks! I am connected with who he was, and how he treated me in the begining. And since that doesn’t ring true anymore, I need to move on.
Thanks! It’s bout to be 2006!
Comment by Cool AC — December 23, 2005 @ 6:e pm
Ok, so I tried to bold your quote, but that didn’t work…I’m still learning html.
“I was connected to who he was way back when.”
Comment by Cool AC — December 23, 2005 @ 6:e pm
Sometimes learning that the person you used to love is no longer the person he or she used to be is the first step to moving on. Good post.
Comment by nativelovechild — December 23, 2005 @ 8:e pm
Oh wow. Everyone’s being so profound today. This was a great post. I used to think that I had one great love of my life and the day that I looked at him and didn’t feel anything anymore, similarly to what you described, I couldn’t put into words why I felt that way…and have wondered ever since then if I ever really loved him.
You hit the nail on the head when you said “connected to who he was back then” and “connected to who I was back then”, because that’s truly the difference. Thank you for giving me the words to express what I realized that day (and I will cite you, as The After Party of course, when relaying that feeling in the future) .
Anyway, I’d promised myself 3 years ago that I would not get into/stay another relationship where there was unecessary drama. As I’ve listened to my friends over the years describe the mess that they’ve gone thru with their men and are continuing to put up with, it always reinforced my decision to wait until the perfect person that complimented who I am now came along. I’m glad that I took that long hiatus because not only was I sure when I finally made the decision to become involved again, I also had time to reflect on my previous relationships and truly be sure that I was ready to move on.
Comment by Beloved — December 23, 2005 @ 8:e pm
Happy Holidays Ms. Hostess!
Comment by Mutumia — December 23, 2005 @ 11:e pm
See this is what R was talking about Thursday night..beautiful post the build up, delivery and the message.
I was addicted to a dude once and after spending a few years going back and forth I woke up one morning and realized I’d truly moved on and what a great feeling that was.
Comment by E to the Dwige — December 24, 2005 @ 1:e pm
Didn’t I tell you bout this love theme? Don’t make me repeat my damn self over christmas, ni66a!.
Comment by sonnycrimson — December 25, 2005 @ 4:e am
It’s Monday, you only have the weekends off.
Comment by C2A — December 26, 2005 @ 6:e pm
Nice work on this - four posts into your new blog’s life and you already have an After Party Hall of Fame worthy post
I’ve had two women in my life where I’ve gone through this. Actually, it’s technically “going” since one is happening right now.
The first was in college, and it took me years to get over it. I thought she was “the one”. And yet at some point what happened is exactly as you describe. All of a sudden it just wasn’t there any more. We weren’t even dating when it happened, but I do remember having the thought that “wow, I’m really over her”.
What it comes down to for me is this: I can say I’m over someone til I’m blue in the face, but that will never make it happen because in reality it happens the other way. You don’t say you’ve over someone in order to become over them - you get over them and then you say it. And no matter how many times you try to convince yourself, it’s not gonna work. It’s like being told “Don’t think about zebras starting…NOW!”.
The second one has been worse because I know that she’s not for me but I can’t stay away, so I go between chasing and ragging on myself for doing so.
Thankfully, I recently realized that even though we had great times together, what I’m infatuated with is having all the good parts I remember and having all the bad stuff (which was really bad, K can testify to that) removed. That’s just not realistic, and it’s what keeps people in bad marriages
So I again move slowly down the path to breaking the connection. Of course, right now I’m trying not to think about zebras, so I still have a ways to go. But I know it’ll happen eventually and, when I least expect it, the connection will be broken for good and the zebras will return to the zoo where they rightfully belong.
Comment by the bachelor — December 27, 2005 @ 12:e am
Once a person shows you their true colors, moving on is usually the easiest thing in the world.
Comment by Nikki — December 27, 2005 @ 7:e pm
Girl… I really like this one.. It had me in deep thought.. and laughs. I am speechless. Wow.. out of your system… I am soo proud of you… I know you are Happy Now. I can tell by our conversations~more peacefull…like you are in a brand new place. Yes.. we all have come far… I know I have especially from The League of my Extraordinary Gentlemen. In my matrix…I am in the middle of the movie .. waiting still to get to the end. We shall see. Thanx for being a part of it as a friend
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Comment by The Rambler — December 27, 2005 @ 8:e pm