On my long ride home I heard the line again in a rap song. I have NEVER heard a man who can afford nice things for himself AND a mate complain about spending money. I want to focus specifically on dating. The topic on VSB was about bitter men. Men who brag about not being chivalrous. The example that was tossed around was how some men refuse to pay for dates or even refuse to plan inexpensive thoughtful dates. Someone over there mentioned six chicken wings. Not a thoughtful date.

I think that over the last decade, the economy has had a direct impact on dating relationships in the Black community. The root, however, begins way before our generation. But I don’t have the time or inclination to trace the roots. Somewhere between the economic struggles of the 30’s and today, money became God. Men who couldn’t afford to support a family sometimes just got multiple women. I guess this taught boys that getting multiple women was more related to manhood than supporting a family.

Little girls grew up knowing how much life costs cus mommas let them in on it. Little boys grew up knowing that it wasn’t about being able to support a family, it was about getting the girlS. Notice the change. Boys now have the goal of getting money to get girls while boys back in the day had notions of getting the money to support a FAMILY; therefore, being a man. Oh but wait. Women didn’t so much look for the guy who could buy HER fancy things. She wanted to ‘keep time’ with the boy who’d be the man who could support a family. I’ll let y’all sit on that for a while.

*I put on for my city…I feel like it’s still ___s that owe me checks…*

I’m not going to front. Most women (and some men) like nice things/actions. We all define ‘nice’ differently. And, dare I say, the more sought after a woman is, the more she can push the scales of what she wants. And men who have it to spend, men who can COMPETE don’t care. Some men will have you believe, through puffy chested showboating and loud talking, that they will never compete to get women. Those are the same ones who have been competing since they were riding hard on their big-wheels on sunny summer afternoons. They have been losing since then too! These are the same men leading the charge to get women to feel bad about receiving nice things, going to nice places, and having doors opened for them.

Dating, boys and girls, is a full contact sport. If you choose not to buy the uniforms, the equipment, and pay your dues, don’t pish-posh those who decided to have the Clorox white uni, three sets of golf clubs, shoulder pads, gym membership and house on the edge of the greens. The way I see it, you either suit up or stay the hell off the greens tryna heckle and coach a game you can’t play. Take you rugby playing ass off of the greens. And most women like nice gestures.

It’s Tell-The-Truth (any why) Tuesday.

Say you’re with your SO and it starts raining. What happens? If you’re a man, do you hold the umbrella and pull her close so she doesn’t get wet?? Do you have her go into a building and you go get the car?? Do you let her hold the umbrella and you just get wet?? Ladies, would you just hold the umbrella and let him get wet? If you’re like me and carry an umbrella in your big purse, do you automatically hand it off to him to carry, expecting that he will hold you close and keep you both dry?

I once visited this guy. I am not sure how it happened but I found myself sans umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh. All I remember of that night is that he had on a green fleece jacket thingy and he held the umbrella over himself–not me. This was certainly some foreshadowing for that ass. He was probably the most selfish, thoughtless SOB in the world. In fact, he’s the only man who I have ever ‘been’ with who I will not speak to. Later, after not coming with me for a surgery, he was also unavailable when things went bad after the surgery. Luckily, the guy with the red truck was there. For that, Mr. Red Truck earned himself a special place in my heart.

Ladies, you’re carrying a load of groceries. A man is trying to get your attention. He walks up to you. What do you expect to happen? Do you expect that he will offer to help you with your groceries? If he does, will you let him? Do you stop, turn to him and hand him the groceries?? Fellas, you see a woman you’re interested in carrying groceries. Do you try to even talk to her?? Do you offer her help with those groceries? Tell the truth.

Fellas, there’s a girl you’re digging. You are out on a date with her. She has on some flyy shoes. And by ‘flyy’ I mean shoes that look hot as she walks three steps–which is the exact number of steps she would have walked if you guys stuck with your original plan for the evening. Viva la valet. Shoes that you imagine would look good beside your ears–if you get my drift. At the end of the evening, you end up somewhere with plenty of on-street parking and no valet. The car is parked a block away on the top of a hill. She is taking forever to walk up the hill cus her shoes weren’t made for walking. What do you do?? Do you leave her standing there and go get the car? Do you just walk slowly seeing her wince with each step she takes. Do you hoist her on your back and shoot up the hill?? Ladies, what would you expect the dude to do?? Walk slowly, get the car? If he offered to tote you up the hill, what would you say?? Would you allow it??

BTW, the reason Tamika F. got Usher is because she had the benefit of being a fly on the wall. Her ass was able to study his ass–like prey…I mean fall in love. That has absolutely nothing to do with anything.

In beating a dead horse news, fellas, if you’re interested in a woman, do you wait for her to tell you when she wants to go out?? Or do you just ask her out?? Cus Goldie thinks it’s ok for a man to wait. As I told Goldie, she doesn’t recall me ever being with a waiter because they always got beat out by the guy who asks for a September date in August! Ladies, do you expect to have to tell a guy who is interested in YOU when YOU want to go out with him??

I called the number on my window for roadside assistance. I handle everything and decide that I’d go back into the restaurant to wait at the bar for the lock smith people. As soon as my butt hits the stool, a Black man came up to me and introduced himself. He told me I was so stunning that when he saw me from across the street he had to come in and meet me. He offered to buy me a drink but realized he didn’t have his wallet. He said he would go back to his office, return, and likka me up buy me a drink. He left. I went to the restroom and put on some make-up for my early dinner.

I emerge from the bathroom with just enough DAYTIME makeup on, cus I’m not tramp. I take my seat at the empty bar and wait for the lock people. I didn’t give dude off the street a second thought. Two minutes later he returns. He buys the drink. Then the lock guy comes. I go out and take care of that and he waits patiently. Actually, he offered to come out and speak to the lock guy on my behalf. I declined because I wasn’t sure what paperwork I needed to sign and I didn’t want some strange man knowing my full name, address, etc. Some call it paranoid. I call it safe.

After getting my keys I go back into the bar. There’s no need in me going anywhere to get internet and do work now since my early dinner is just 40 minutes away. Did I mention that when the man returned, my immediate thought was, “Jackpot!!! This is gonna be blog fodder for days.” Why was it blog fodder in the making? He had a diamond pinky ring on, a diamond WEDDING BAND on, initials in his shirt cuffs, fly super dope cufflinks, and salt-n-pepper temples.

We seemed to cover a wide range of topics rather quickly. We talked about the area, how he’d wanted to be a basketball coach at one point, why he chose to go to a white school but would have enjoyed a/an HBCU. We talked about his kids, their activities, their private school. We talked about his wife, who stopped working for five years and then went back to work for two days a week. She does hair. We discussed the age where most men should know the value of a good suit, shirt, cuff links, etc. We agreed, they should know by 27 at the latest. We talked about his job. He’s in sales. We talked about the pride he has in having secured his kids’ future. We even talked about Kwame Kilpatrick. How could we not when I said I was from Detroit?

He asked me if we could do lunch sometime. I declined. The salesman that he is, before I finished my drink he asked again. He promised it wasn’t about hanky panky and that his wife knows he has friends. I explained to him that unplanned drinks with a stranger, while I’m stuck at a restaurant, is one thing. A planned meal with a married man is quite a different story. A planned one-on-one lunch with a married man was too personal; therefore, inappropriate by MY standards. Never mind his standards and his wife’s allegedly being OK with it.

The whole side piece thing sorta fascinates me. Let’s say for kicks and giggles, he was just trying to make a new friend…That’s BS. I can’t even pretend a married man who yammers on about how ‘taken’ he was with a woman’s looks will want to be JUST her friend. Instead, let’s say I was in the market for a married male friend who would eventually want to see me naked. I do not think I would be a free or inexpensive mistress. What I never quite understood about mistresses were why so many of them get so little in tangible things out of the relationship. How do these women play second fiddle for free? How do they play second fiddle to poor-ish men?? Love?? Love doesn’t pay bills. Love doesn’t pay for a swanky lifestyle or fancy retirement.

I’ve never been a side piece but I have heard and read enough to know that mistresses often sell themselves short. I think most do this because on some level, they know what they’re doing is wrong and they don’t believe they deserve more. They don’t believe they deserve to be the man’s official next of kin. They don’t believe they deserve a certain lifestyle. It’s circular.

Call it whoring. Call it what you want. But check it. The only reason mistress-ing in exchange for goods got a bad name was because broke men convinced women that they should selflessly give of themselves to marry men. Why? Cus broke men know that if there’s no stigma attached to accepting gifts in exchange for second fiddle-dom, they will not be able to afford a side piece. And women fell for it. Think about it. If MOST women consciously or subconsciously seek security why would they willingly connect themselves to a man who provides them with nothing but late night rendezvous and thank you speeches where he mentions the support of his wife but neglects the sacrifices of his mistress?

Much like strippers should unionize, mistresses need to establish some universally accepted rules. They should celebrate major holidays together. As a matter of fact, I should sponsor a holiday cruise for them all. While their ‘men’ are with their wives and children, all the mistresses can sail the wide open seas. I just need to give the cruise a catchy name.

Last night I found out someone got engaged. Wonderful news–right?? But there’s always a hater. To make a long story short, they met in January and are now engaged. Look ladies, you can’t get mad, sentence this woman to an unhappy marriage because you and your guy have been together for years and you aren’t married. Ladies always have the crazy ideas about why their guy won’t marry them. They have crazy ideas that once they have dated him for 2+ years, it would be stupid to give him up to another woman now. *sigh*

Ladies, lemme put you on to something. The reason your guy has been with you for 2+ years and there has been no mention of marriage is simple: He doesn’t want to marry you. Maybe he doesn’t want to marry you now. Maybe he doesn’t want to marry you while one or both of you are in school. Maybe he doesn’t want to marry you until his career gets off the ground. Maybe he doesn’t want to marry you because he still has some partying to do. Maybe he doesn’t want to marry you because he can’t afford to take care of a family, let along buy you the ring. Notice a recurring theme? All those sentences include: HE DOESN’T WANT TO MARRY YOU. Everything that comes afterwards you can stuff in a sack.

Furthermore, the couple who gets engaged or even married in the first year have just as much of a chance of it ending with matching burial plots that the couple who dated for five. I don’t like to use the term hater too much because most times when it’s used the person saying their being hated on is the very person nobody’s paying a lick of attention to! In addition, the people accused of hating are often just telling the truth. However, when women hear another chick has gotten engaged, any negativity thrown toward that woman is hate when the comment throwers don’t know the man, women, or their situation.

Hoes Ladies, just because your guy didn’t want to marry you within the first year doesn’t mean it’s impossible for a man to meet a woman and know he wants to spend the rest of his life with her and do something about it!! I wouldn’t even say it’s not probable. A lot of the men who I know who are HAPPILY married to a woman they like, pretty much had an idea that they were going to marry their wives within the first year. They might not have acted on the notion, but they knew. Also, if your boyfriend of ten years hasn’t married you, it doesn’t mean he loves you any less than the guy who marries the new chick loves her!

Bottom line: If you are with someone and things aren’t going down the road you want them to go down you can either leave or shut the hell up. But don’t go throwing you issues of unhappiness onto someone else!

Ladies, would you accept a proposal from a man you’ve only known six months?? Why? Why not? Men, would you propose after knowing a woman six months? Why? Why not? Do you think a short courtship makes for a more difficult marriage?? Easier marriage? How long is the ideal courtship?

http://blackerinamerica.blogsome.com/

Another blogger and I were just having this discussion about people agreeing too much with what we say. We like disagreement. It makes one think. But it’s very hard to have a discussion or debate with someone who is basing their argument on emotions. I’ve run into a few people like this over the last week. I don’t know what it is.

In the spirit of fruitful, respectful debate, be on the lookout for a new blog. It’s not MY blog. It’s going to be OUR blog. There will be several people contributing. So be on the lookout.

A suitor and I were talking not long ago. Per usual, I don’t recall exactly how we got on the subject but he said he hasn’t worked hard since high school. He got a full ride to school. From that point all, even with some missteps, he hasn’t worked hard. Wow. As we talked I realized I hadn’t either. I’ve had jobs that required me to think deeply, to plan, to use higher order thinking skills. Work hard? Nerp. Has this made me lazy?

Some days I don’t feel like thinking once I leave work. Hell, some days I don’t feel like thinking at work. And sometimes when I get home, I don’t care to read the menu and will eat whatever is chosen for me. Yeah, I’m lazy…sometimes. Sometimes I need motivation. I recognize I’m lucky because I can be lazy. It’s my laziness that stopped me from writing anything to post first thing this morning.

Remember that line in The Great Debaters? “We do what we have to now so we can do what we want to later.” I’m thinking if I hadn’t spent those years in college, if I had kids and was a single mom, there would be a rack of things I couldn’t do now. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy 85% of the luxuries I enjoy now.

Am I alone in this? Is anyone else secretly NOT working hard?

I was watching Suzie Orman, as I often do, and she was saying that a lot of the issues we have with money are not about money at all. AMEN! How would you feel if you were offered a job making considerably more than you were making before?? Initially, elated, right?? But then, would you wonder what the hell you’ve been doing in previous positions? Would you wonder if a mistake had been made and wait on pins and needles for a revised offer letter??

BTW, I am completely disinterested in the Olympics!! They had that crap on at the nail salon this morning!

A wise consumer looks for the best deal. S/he looks for the situation that yields the most benefits but costs the least. If a potential mate has expectations of 5 treatment on a scale of 1-10 and a comparable mate has expectations of 7 treatment, which would you choose? There’s such a thing as a deal being too good to be true. If Best Buy doesn’t think a TV is worth $1000, they might know something about the TV. They might know that it tends to stop working. They might know that the HD channels come in fuzzy. And when a person sells their time for work or relationship at a low-low price, the potential employer or mate, if they are smart, takes pause and wonders why.

Ladies, when you call yourself dating a man and he doesn’t have to ‘date’ you, be considerate of your time, etc., you are telling him that you aren’t worth the effort. By allowing him to not date you, you really aren’t increasing your chances of being taken seriously and beating out other women for his time. You might get time but you won’t get effort. You won’t get investment. Men, the same thing holds true for you. If you call yourself dating a woman and she doesn’t do anything to maintain the situation, you allow it, you are devaluing yourself.

I think it’s this inability to accurately assess self-value is why so many women shun the guy who treats them with respect. Fellas, let me put you on to something. If you are with a woman who tells you nobody has ever treated her well and/or doesn’t respond positively to your nice treatment, pay attention. She may not believe she’s worth it and what’s worse, she might be right. Same for men. I remember being with a man and I did something nice for him. He was floored and told me nobody’d ever done anything nice for him. Da heyelle? In retrospect, that should have been a huge clue. As it would turn out, he wasn’t used to getting nice treatment. He then took my nice treatment and thought it meant more than it really did. Then he went off thinking that if he could get me to like him enough to do nice things, he could go out and get three more of me. Ha. That didn’t work out too well for him. But that’s a post for another day.

There’s always the danger of over-valuing yourself. But how do you really know your value?? Value in the work place? Value in relationships? How do you calculate that?? Is it based on what you were paid by a previous employer? Is it based on what others with similar experience are being paid?? Is it based on how you were treated in previous relationships?? Is it based on how others around you are treated?? So people, what’s the most effective way to establish your worth range in relationships??

I wish I could tell you how I got into this discussion. All I know is that I was talking to a Black man who told me that I should put up with crap from a man so long as he’s Black. Yes, y’all. I rolled my eyes too. I could have turned away. I know. But I channeled my inner LH and continued to engage this man. He told me that if I have a white man who is doing what is to be done but a Black man who isn’t, I should wait it out with the Black man. I should put up with whatever he does!

In typical Hostess fashion, I had questions. The first being would he tell his daughter the same thing?? Would it be OK for his daughter to hang around and be mistreated so long as that mistreatment is coming from a Black man? He said it would be perfectly OK. I should have stopped there. He’d been drinking. Some believe likkah brings out the truth. I should have stopped there. I will see him again. He’s the new beau of one of my best girls. Yeah, I should have stopped the conversation right there. But. I. Didn’t.

I wasn’t saying all Black men treat women crappy or all white men treat women well. Best believe I know that’s not the case. This part, I think he got. I even brought Honest in on this. Still he was talking crazy and getting angry. Y’all know I don’t really like the whole angry Black thing. Honest pointed out to him that his girlfriend’s brother-in-law is Hispanic. Is that to be frowned upon too??? I don’t even remember his answer. Next thing I knew, the truth came out.

I’m wondering if he is some type of angry racist. And if he is, how does that impact a relationship? Honestly, at this age, I can’t even fathom dealing with someone who seriously held those views. I remember a couple years ago having a conversation with a dude who went from jovial date guy to belligerent racist in 3.2 seconds. I’m not saying a Black man in America has no reason to be angry. But damn, that anger doesn’t have to be expressed to ME. Channel that shyt!

Dude actually said it would be OK if the ugly Black women dated white men. But then…his ass let it out. I got to the bottom of why he was so passionately against interracial dating. Why the idea seemed to make him angry. He said, about white men, “They already get everything. Why do they have to have our women too.”

More proof that what people say to you often has everything to do with THEM and not you. He didn’t care about Black women being harmed by the crazy white men. At the root of his whole argument was his perception that white men get everything. I’d never heard it expressed so flatly. Usually people sit on ideas of Black love, maintaining the sanctity of the Black family, etc., etc., etc. I don’t believe he’s alone in his beliefs though. Furthermore, I think the same belief is shared by Black women who’d rather die a bloody death than see any Black man, quality aside, with a white woman–cus you know, those broads already get everything.

My belief is that I pretty much get everything I want or better yet, I get what God wants me to have. It would be a waste of my brainpower to focus on what someone else is getting. That’s just me though.

Today we’re going to talk about where ANY woman, size aside, can meet men. It’s going to be a bit different for the more shy lady. I admit, I have a tendency to talk to strangers. I’m not flirting. I’m making conversation (translation: looking for fodder). Wait, before we get the places, let’s set some ground rules.

Stop going out with a gaggle of your friends. Especially if it’s light outside, roll solo. You don’t need a wing woman. If you don’t have friends you can trust, find yourself a ghey man. Why? You’ll need him to help you rid your closet of the frump-a-lump clothes. If you don’t have unflattering things, you won’t look a mess. If you must wear make-up everyday, don’t wear so much that everyone can tell you have it on. Men don’t like clowns. Your daytime make-up should make you look clean. It should play up your best assets. Again, ask a ghey friend. He will tell your ass that you need to stop smearing lipgloss on your lips because it makes you look cartoonish.

Run your errands. Smile. If you catch yourself in deep thought, tell yourself a joke. I bet you’ll smile. You’ll look friendly. If you’re concerned about not being the finest chick, remember that looking friendly adds at least a half point to the looks scale. Plus, chicks who look perfect always have eyebrows that don’t match. I happen to live in a neighborhood where a lot of dudes live. They tend to be at the grocery store immediately after work. There are a lot of military men here too. They love Sam’s Club! Again, because of my neighborhood, there are also men at all the gas stations.

If there is a prticular type of man you want, go to where he is. I’m not saying you need to hang out on a golf course. But find out where they are. Let’s say you’re in the market for a man who graduated from school. You’d be smart to go to some of the events sponsored by fraternities. How do you find out about them? Eh, your ass has the internet. If you aren’t comfortable just showing up, take ONE friend. And really, if they didn’t want people just showing up, they wouldn’t have it on the internet. Another place to roll is to conventions. We happen to have a lot of conventions between DC and Baltimore. I’m not saying you register but you could hit up a happy hour near the convention center.

If you live in the city, you can go to happy hours at upscale restaurants–if you want that type of guy. Many of them go there instead of the publicized spots. Yeah they might hit the publicized spots for a special event but mostly, they are at their version of Cheers. You don’t have to walk out with a husband but the more people you meet, the better off you are.

There are men at events. Notice I’m not mentioning the club. Sure you could go there, but lemme tell you, club cometition is serious competition. Everyone can’t excel there.

Go the mall, the movies , the Target in the middle of the day if you can. Most dudes aren’t big mall shoppers. My experience tells me that men who are there during the day actually have jobs. they are not unemployed losers. They either own their own business, work from home, or have a job where they are high enough on the totem pole that they can roll out whenever.

I know I said early not to be out with a bunch of other women. But you can be out with a mixed group. But you have to leave the group. Might I suggest bowling. Yeah, I know its mid-westerny but you can befriend the dudes in the next lane. There are ALWAYS dudes in the next lane. Or go to a sporting event. Grab a bunch of your friends and go to a hockey game or something. Then you take you behind to buy a $13 beverage by yourself. There will be long lines. The dudes in the line will talk to you. Anyplace where you have to wait. Maybe this only works for me because I will talk to anyone, but I have sat down in a booth with dudes because I was waiting on a table and there were no other seats. They didn’t turn me away. I smile.

The car wash is hot. There’s one by me where there are ALWAYS dudes. Lately, I have been going through the express lane just to avoid the required chatting. Yes, I met a very nice dude who eventually was pushed into frociate lane. But he would make a great mate for someone not named Hostess. Actually, I met two. Again, these were mid-day meetings.

Go to lunch by your damned self. It’s summer. Sit outside and eat. Or if there are no empty tables, walk right over to the dude alone at the table and ask if he minds if you sit down. The worse he could do is say, “B* die!” He won’t though. Even if there is no love connection, you know a new person. You’ll see one another around because you work in the same area. Familiarity is established. Next thing you know, you’re invited to his cook-out where there are…lots more men!

If you live in suburbia like I do, you have big stupid sports bars. Even when there are no sports on, dudes are there. I don’t know what it is. But they are there and they are CHATTY. Also, in the burbs we have a lot of strip malls that just happen to have gyms AND car art places. Y’all know I’m not about the business of doing stuff to my car. I leave it to the professionals. However, there are THREE things I will do: add windshield wiper fluid, change light bulbs, and change fuses. If you are a woman outside under the hood of your car, men will come to help you. AND it won’t just be one. An open hood is like a magnet for men who thing they have Ph.D.’s in man shyt.

I’m not saying every man you meet with be THAT GUY. But my definition of THAT GUY and your definition of THAT GUY might be totally different. Try this stuff this weekend and report back.

I just got word that some suggestions I gave (by request) are helping a friend and her son. When she asked I didn’t think twice. I offered her what I knew. I know everything will work out in their favor. Ya’ll, help someone out today. Most times it doesn’t take anything from you to help someone out. M’kay??

I’m not a Bible expert. Admittedly, I haven’t read it cover to cover in more than a month of Sundays. Back in the day, throughout Black communities all across the nation, the Black church was the hub of activity. It’s where we gathered to pray, plan, excel. It was where we gathered to discuss our plans for equal rights. It was even the sociol hub of the community. I’m not saying the church still isn’t those things today but it seems to be done on a much lesser scale. Churches are doing a lot. Don’t get it twisted. But I think there’s an area that is being ignored. Over-looking the problem isn’t helping our communities at all.

Last night while talking to my dad about HIV/AIDS, I made the point that the Black church, especially the big ones, seem to ignore the problem. I said that it would be awesome if on your way in to church, you got swabbed. On your way out, you either got the results or knew that if you were positive you’d be called. Why can’t this happen?? Is there something in the Bible that stops churches from getting with community health organizations, the CDC, etc. to do this?? I would even suggest it’s offered on the most popular church days of the year: Easter, Mother’s Day, and Christmas. Could this be done??

If they don’t want to focus on the chexual aspect, would it be better if they focused on the reclaimed souls or former drug addicts, prostitutes, and gheys?? Would that make them feel better about trying to do something about the vicious spread of HIV/AIDS?? Or do they feel like HIV/AIDS is proper payment for committing sins? If that’s the case, why can so many of them offer help to single, never wed, mothers? Obviously, those women had unprotected chex. Obviously their kids are the result of a sin. Why is it OK to help them and not people infected with or at risk of being infected with HIV/AIDS?