I’ve blogged under several names in the past. But it’s time to put The After Party and The Hostess to bed. This her blog has been good to me. It has provided us all with something to help our work days go by faster. Thank you for coming. The party is over. If you’re interested in following me, please post a comment or email me at AFTERPARTYHOSTESS _AT_GMAIL.COM.

Sincerely,

The Blogger formerly known as Hostess

P.S. If you have already requested the address, I got you…Unless it’s been more than a week since you requested the new addy. So you should email me again.

Readers might believe I have a fascination with male-female relations. And to a degree, you’re right. But my fascination extends beyond just men and women. As much as I’m interested in that dynamic, I’m interested more in family relationships. I quite enjoy watching other families. I also enjoy taking stock of parental relationships. Because I can often see exactly how behaviors and concepts are passed from generation to generation.

I talk a good game when it comes to parenting. However, I wonder just how consistent I’ll be. I look at my mom who married and had me very young. She was on her shyt. Stern, yet flexible. She was all about the routine. But nearly 11 years later when she had my brother, she was different. Her house ran totally different by the time I came home after my first semesteer in college. And even right now, if I were to visit her house, I can bet there would be no routine and dust bunnies under sofas and dressers. Shyt that was unacceptable when I was a child!

To come to my home now, and then go to hers, my nana’s or my grandmother’s, you will see that I run my shyt a wee bit differently that they do. Don’t know if it’s because I don’t have children. Don’t know if it’s because I do some things based on logic and not because it’s the way they do it. My paternal grandmother still gets her sheets pressed and still makes a full Sunday dinner–ever Sunday!

Then there’s me! Take for example my bathroom. Y’all know every woman over 45 has those damn toilet top rugs on their toilet lids. You know the ones!!! With the marching rug to go around the top and bottom of the toilet? In case you’re having ttrouble getting a visual, click HERE. I hate those damned things. Hate. I have just cause. When I was young, living in my mother’s house, on Saturday mornings it was house cleaning time. The bathrooms were always my job. After I cleaned the bathrooms, I didn’t want to do anything to ruin them. So for the next few days, when I went to brush my teeth, instead of spitting in the sink, I’d spit in the toilet. I’m not proud of it! It was very lazy of me but I didn’t want to leave any toothpaste in the sink. Once in a while, I’d go to spit in the toilet, and that damn toilet lid would close mid-spit. I’d end up spitting on that damned toilet lid carpet thingy!!! Why would the toilet top close? Because of that damn carpet!!! See! I told you I have cause to hate the toilet dressing/carpet crap!

Speaking of bathrooms, I’ve been wanting to say something for a while now. I remember being little and us having a covered trash can in the bathroom (not always in the powder room). Why doesn’t everyone have a covered can in the bathroom?? Why have I been subjected to seeing used condoms and bloody pads in peoples’ trash?? Why couldn’t they have taken care of that before inviting my ass over and directing me to use that bathroom?? While I’m pleased they are screwing or not pregnant, I’d be more pleased, and less grossed out if I didn’t have to see the evidence. People, please be sure your bathoroom trash can is a covered one!!

Right around Thanksgiving, my mother told me that I’d be hosting Thanksgiving dinner the year I turn 35. She knows she needs to plan this far ahead dealing with me. Please believe, she’s probably told our immediate family, they have crazily put in on their calendars, and will be reminding me of my hosting obligations every year until the big event. Cus for real, this is how my people roll. I told her that was cool. I’d do it. She said it would be fun. Understand that when my mother hosted anything, she was the primary cook. All anyone else, save the grandmothers, were allowed to do was cut onions and celery, or bake desserts. Everything else, my mother did without complaint. Then my mom suggested I do some practice runs. Da hell?? Practice hosting? Surely she had it twisted if she thought I was going to cook all that food, alone. I like to cook. But I also like to enjoy the gathering. I do not like cooking in bulk. Therefore, I would be more than happy to pay for catering. She was undone at first. I told my mother dear that while cooking for 40 people was fun to her, it wasn’t my version of fun. I am pro-family gatherings. But I had to get her to understand that my unwillingness to cook for 40 people had nothing to do with my desire to gather as a family.

On Wednesday when I went grocery shopping, I didn’t give my list a second thought. It wasn’t until I went to the second store that I started to wonder why the hell I was going to these lengths. Cus my momma nem said you cook black eyed peas (and greens) on New Year’s Day and the first store was out of peas. It’s supposed to bring me luck. Nevermind that I have no evidence to support this theory. But hey, my momma nem said it so it must be true–right. I can’t get a straight answer as to if using canned beans will do the trick. Now don’t laugh. My momma also puts a 50 cent piece on her window seal every January 1. It’s supposed to bring money to the house. You don’t move the money either. So right now, I bet she has like six of them on a window somewhere in her house. I’ve never done this because I always forget. Getting a 50 cent piece would involve me actually going IN a bank or WAITING in a drive-thru. Who needs all of that? And let’s not forget, the first person to walk into your home has to be a man. Look people, I don’t make the news I just report it! It has to be a man because of something about your home being protected. Nevermind if the man doesn’t live there. This one I’ve not always been good with either.

This year, even thought I plan to soak my peas like a good lil girl, I’m starting to question all this stuff. Does it mean I’m not gonna try to do the things I can? Hellous nous. I can’t take chances like that! I need luck, money, and my home to be protected! But I’m also to the point where I can’t just willing do things exactly as my mother and her mother before did them simply because that’s how they did it. I’m not saying their methods were wrong. All I’m saying is I’m very interested in the thought processes behind certain things. I’m starting to adjust their ways of doing thing to my personality. Secretly, I think it’s killing my mother. The nana and grandma don’t care because they believe I do no wrong. Gotta love em.

What things have been passed from generation to generation in your family?? Have you ever questioned those traditions?? Have you decided against continuing some traditions? Why? Ohh child!!! Now let me go finish cleaning my house. Y’all know your house has to be spotless at the stroke of midnight!!! Clothes waches, dust gone, pillows fluffed…

Getting back to dating. Do I need to remind you guys I’m rather traditional?? OK, you know that about me already. That being said, I usually expect the man to ask me out first. I expect him to ask me out in advance. Nothing will get pish-poshed more than a man calling me on Sunday at 6 asking me if I want to get dinner at 8. I like to be asked out a day or so in advance. I like to know the man planned. I like looking forward to the date. I don’t like feeling like going out with me is his last minute attempt at entertainment because everything else he wanted to do fell through.

A lot of men ask the woman for suggestion so he can gauge what’s acceptable. I have no problem with that. Plus, the spots she suggests might key you in that she’s a gold digger or considerate enough to take into account that you are a student and therefore, poor. Both the man and the woman should be on time for the date. I don’t care what you may have heard, having a twat doesn’t mean you can show up 30 minutes late. It’s inconsiderate. And if either person does that, the on-time person needs to make note. At the very least, the later party should call.

Men, if you asked, you should be prepared to pay. The same applies to women who ask men out. Women, if you go on a date, you should be prepared to pay just in case. Especially if you haven’t already discussed the dutch-ness of the date. Women, if the man hits you with, “You half of the check is …” and you aren’t pro-dutch, pay the damn bill and don’t go out with him again. See how easy this is. If, the man picked you up for the date, have enough money on you (or a friend on stand-by) to get you home. If the person you’re on a date with does or says anything to offend you or make you uncomfortable, you can excuse yourself and still maintain your nice.

On the first date, I do not need to go to Chez Allupinya Pockets. If you’ve been with me from the beginning, I mean the very start, on my first blog, you remember how I am anit-shock and awe. But for those unaware, let me explain. I prefer the first few dates be rather relaxed. This way, we rest on personalities and not the shock and awe of the atmosphere or event. I’ve gone on dates that were shock and awe packed. But once we’re out of those initial dates and I get a real glimpse of his personality, sometimes, the dude actually has no personality. He could have saved a lot of money by doing some more low key things. For both men and women, dating becomes different, maybe even harder when all the distractions are stripped away. It’s like seeing a pair of shoes and getting caught up in the color. But when you see the shoes, white, undyed, they aren’t so hot anymore. Most importantly, a man first dating me doesn’t know if I’m even shock and awe worthy. Cus after a few casual dates, he might find I’m not worth his shock let alone his awe. Hey, it happens!

I usually don’t have more than 2-3 hours for a date. I just don’t–unless I really like the person and we start out early. Y’all know I go to bed early!! Both parties should be mindful of the other person’s time. Please don’t ask me out for brunch (Brunch is a very economical date. And can be lots of fun in the summer if you can sit outside and people watch.) and then tell me you need to make a stop before dropping me home. I had a guy try and take me car shopping with his spinster aunt. Da hell?

At my core, I’m a nice person. So I am nice from date one. When a man approaches me at anytime, I am nice. Even in my declining, I am nice. Because it takes balls to just roll up on a person and do a ‘cold sell’. I respect that. On dates, I am nice. Not because I want the guy to like me but because I’m just nice. And I expect the same. Guys, if you’re out with a woman and she’s not nice and you want a nice woman, cut her. Don’t go out with her again. No matter how fine you think she is. I once had a guy take me to the movies with his younger sister and his mother!! He seemed to have a wonderful relationship with them However, he asked me out on a date with him, not his family. Furthermore, if I’m trying to get to know someone, a movie isn’t the way to do it. You can’t really chat in a movie theatre. And tacking dinner onto it would likely stretch me into the wee hours of 11!!!

Does it seem like I’m quick to jump ship? It should because I am. I don’t believe in wasting peoples’ time. If a guy is interviewing for a life mate and I do not like him like that, it’s not fair for me to try to suck up his time. While I might enjoy his comapny, I don’t think I should be dating him. And vice versa. What are some other things you wish people would consider when dating?

I was minding my business, reaching my newly established two-gimlet drink limit when a dude walks over to me. He reaches out and shakes my hand. He tells me I look familiar. (Likely story) Then he tells me that we met at his nephew’s house. I’m still like, “Uh, ok, if you say so.” Then he tells me his name. Still, I’m like, “Duh.” Then he gives me his nephew’s first and last name…TXXX HXXXX (Some of you know him as Sir-Whores-A-Lot). To which I’m still like, “Who?” We exchanged a couple of awkward glances because I still had no freaking idea who the hell this TXXX person was. As I was turning back around, the first person I saw was Edwige and that’s when it hit me–only because her and him live(d) not far from one another. Has it been that long that I don’t even know his freaking name? At the time we were ‘dating’ this man hung the moon for me. And today, just like a few years after, I didn’t even recognized his name. Bwahahahahahaaa!! Can you tell I’m so over it?

Anyhow, the theme of last night seemed to be ‘old loves’. That person who, no matter where you go or what you do, you’re still connected. Can this connection truly exist if you’ve moved on? Tricky. Ya see, I have felt like I was connected to someone AND had moved on with the emotional strings uncut. I was wrong. I was connected to who he was way back when. Better still, I was connected to who I was way back then. I was addicted to him and the way he made me felt. And like any addict, even when you put the pipe down, you still secretly long for the feeling of that high. You might fight it, but you know you can’t be in a room with the pipe. It calls you…like crack did to Pookie. Truth was, he and I had both changed. Grown in different directions that made our connection not only unrealistic but not conducive to our moving on.

Amazingly, Anthony Hamilton’s new video is on. As I write this and think about lost loves, isn’t this such a fitting song? “I’m gonna love you anyway. You are my life…I can’t let go…” WTF-ever.

I’ll just tell you about one of the two times I got over ‘old love’. How was I eventually able to really move on?? After soooo many years? It literally just happened. It wasn’t anything I ever planned. Sure I wanted to put the pipe down. But there was no ‘Crack Recovery for Idiots’ book I could go to. I played it out til the last act, final curtain, and the band packing up!

I looked at him one day and saw him. I mean truly saw this MF. I looked at him and really saw him probably for the first time since I met him at 19. I just didn’t feel anything. Because I SAW him for what he was and not just how he made me feel at 19. Later that night, things came to a head. I started to actually react to him in a way he was not pleased with. Cus I was responding to who he was that night, not who I wanted him to be or who I thought he was. This caused a glitch in our whole matrix. And he wasn’t willing to deal with the change. He took me home that night and on the ride we were silent. I reflected but I had no pleasant memories of him. Can you imagine? Color a b*tch pissed and feeling cheated!! We’ve not spoken since. This was a couple years ago I guess.

I really had moved on. But it took me to get locked in the moment to know I was over him. On some level, I thought that if I were to get over him, maybe I never loved him to begin with. I’m still on the fence about this one. Or if I got over him, I could remove the part of me that he’d created. Just because you get over a person, a relationship, a situation, it doesn’t mean it leaves you. I firmly believe we are the sum total of our experiences. When you get into a good place, a place I think I’m in now, you look back upon it all thankfully. I wouldn’t trade 99.7% of my experiences with the League of Extraordinary Men. (There was one night in particular that I wish I could take back.) But those experiences, good or bad, made me into the person I am today. Gerald Levert even sang about it, “And every girlfriend. And every one nite stand. Every heartbreak and every heartache led me to ya. It drew me to ya. It made me better. Better suited for ya.”

As an aside, I’m not one of those women doesn’t want to know about my man’s ex’s. I want to know because they made him who he is. They made this man who, as O stated, “…is perfectly suited to make me happy without even trying.”

When I left the spot last night, early, as I often do, the first person I called, without even giving it any thought? Manfriend. I told him that when I leave from hanging out with my girls, I appreciate him so much more. And by ‘appreciate him so much more’, I mean love him just a wee bit more. Not because of what my girls do or don’t have with men. Because we’ve all come so daggone far. Single or with significant other. Because many of the issues people have, I just don’t have with him. Not to say I never had those issues cus Gawd knows I have–we all have. I jus don’t have them with him. Don’t get it twisted. His ass can get on my nerves as I know I can get on his. Between me and you (y’all), the only time he really gets on my nerves is when we’re looking for a parking space. I don’t know what happens in those 15 minutes. But his hunting technique flies directly in the face of my let’s-just-sit-and-wait methodology. And because it’s when I’m out with the girls that I’m most likely to be confronted with some former significant other’s aura. Yet, I never once think, “What if?”

I guess I have answered the question on my napkin. If you think you’re connected to old loves, if you also sincerely believe and feel you’ve moved on….And I’m not talking about when you move on out of desperation or in an attempt to get over the old love. I’m talking about when every fiber of your being is somewhere else. At the very most, old loves might arrange the stars. But hanging the moon? Not so much. That’ a one man job. At least over at The After Party.

*If at any point this whole Me and Him thing goes south, I maintain the right to take back everything I just wrote!

Check out the diagram below:

You see there are three widget companies but only one has a store in the blue section of town. And guess what? This Widgets R Us location only delivers widgets to homes in a 5 mile radius. As a result, the people in the blue section who live farthest from that Widgets R Us location usually go over into the red side of town to buy widgets. The messed up thing is that the Widgets R Us location at the top of the city, in the red section, delivers to the entire red section, not just a certain radius.

Because crime rates are higher in the blue section of town, widget insurance premiums are damn near double what they are in the red section of town. Also, the blue section has a higher widget replacement rate because widgets are often mishandled and/or left on back porches where they suffer damage due to rain, sleet, and snow. But since the red section of town has bigger homes and speak English, they can read the widget directions and store their widgets inside.

Let’s say you are the owner of Widget Depot. You only have one location and you’re competing with the other two big names in widget sales, Widget Express and Widgets R Us. So what do you do?? You could start catering to the people in the blue side of town. Maybe translate all of your widget related documents into Bluese. Maybe develop and sell a widget security system. But all those things require investments and you just don’t have the money.

Now, let’s put ourselves in the shoes of someone living in the blue section. Wouldn’t you be pissed?? You’re paying higher rates and can’t get anyone to deliver. One night, you’re at your local house of worship. People are sitting around doing what they do and you all start talking about the trouble getting widgets and those high widget prices. Then all of a sudden, a blue person who happens to live in the red section but worship in the blue section says that he pays a very low rate for his widgets. You get pissed. You and your group decide to sue the widget companies. You believe you are being discriminated against because you are blue.

I haven’t gone to law school. However, I call their case bullshyt!! They live in a crappy section of town. They have high crime rates. So I, owner of Widget Depot must charge them more. Otherwise, I will lose money. Or I would have to raise prices in the red section. Why should I do that when that section of town has low widget replacement rates? That wouldn’t be fair to them. As owner of Widget Depot, I’m making decisions based on zip code, not who lives there!! Is it my fault these people don’t speak the language and don’t read the fine print and end up breaking their widgets?? Is it my fault there’s more crime over there because their main source of income, a large widget factory, moved to India?? Nope.

What do y’all think?? Do the blue people have a case? If you were owner of Widget Express, what would you do?? Would your decisions be based on your bottom line or helping the widget deprived citizens in the blue section of town?

OK, I have a topic!! Inner-circle screwing. I make it a rule to not screw my frociates. Why? For several reasons but the first being that I’m not attracted to them in any way. But that’s just me. Also, there is no way in the frying f*ck I could screw some dude I hang out with then have him around my man!!! Hellous Nous!!!!! But that’s just me!!! There’s no way I could screw a frociate then be around this frociate and his new(est) woman. Again, that’s just me!! Manfriend has asked me about one person in particular. And hellous nous I wouldn’t let his unclothed penis near me!!! But it’s something in the way this guy looks at me. Yuck!! As a man though, how would you feel if you found out you were kicking it on the regular with several dudes your woman screwed? And how does a broad pull that off??

I believe that when you meet your SO’s group(s) of friends, if you sit back, shut up, and watch, you can tell exactly who they have screwed, tried to screw, etc. You can just tell. You can even look and see which chick is his type. You can tell by the way the people interact with you. So what I don’t get is how a person can kick it on the regular with people who have run all up and through the SO. Do you just choose not to see?? Especially when it’s not a secret?? Especially when EVERYONE knows??

Another topic?? Christmas gifts!!! I only had three gifts to buy this year. Actually, three people were slated to get something from me. My mom. I sent her some clothes on Saturday. My brother. I will likely just deposit some money in his account this week. And Manfriend. His things were purchased last night. I’m done. Did I wrap anything? Nope!!! One thing I bought came gift wrapped. My mom’s stuff was lovingly placed in a box, sans tissue paper, the gift receipt was taped to an item, and shipped. Not one bit of flair added. Manfriend?? Without saying too much cus he reads this and has been asking what Iwas getting him for th elast two weeks, I might put one of those peel and stick bows on one of his, as of right now, things.

When I buy gifts, I get things people said they liked or wanted. However, I don’t just do it all willy-nilly. At one point, Manfriend wanted an iPod. Before I rushed out and got him one, I thought about how he really is. He doesn’t like to sit still. He would never sit and download music. Just wouldn’t happen. So no iPod for him. My mom had been yammering about clothes and only having stuff to wear to work. I got her clothes. My brother had mentioned some boots he wanted. Am I going to bother to hunt the stores for the boots? Heckie naw!!! I will send him money and he can do with it what he pleases. Cus nothing says, “I love you but ain’t trying to spend 100+ hours in a mall.” like cash! Can’t you tell how unfestive I am?

Give me some topics!! I need inspiration dammit!

Saturday evening, I volunteered with a group of friends. Where were we?? The juvenile detention center. And surprisingly, it was a lot of fun. When we got there as we stood waiting to be escorted from the lobby into the area we’d meet the kids, we realized we probably have zilch in common with these kids. What would we talk about?

Two burly men gone to get us and escort us into the room where we’d craft. Slowly three groups of kids came in. It was a mixed group or boys and girls ages 10-18. Like hard kids do, they swaggered in and took seats. But, they weren’t so hard. By the end, they sang a Christmas song, were dancing, and very child-like. I can’t think of any incidents that stood out–except so many of the girls were mothers. However, since Edwige was also there, maybe she can tell a better story.

Then Sunday I met two of my linesisters for brunch. One was here from Germany and the other is my front who lived up the street. Man, y’all, it started out at 12:30 and I didn’t get to my part of town until 9-ish. We had brunch, then went for dessert. And then to dinner!!!! It was really cool. I had a fabulous (Can you ever use ‘fabulous’ too much?) time!!! On my way home, I called up one of my neighbors and she was having folks over. So I stopped over there for wine and football, and card playing.

But, that’s not what this post is about. It is about Sunday mornings. Just like the title says. Go figure. This Sunday, like many Sundays, I caught a little TV church. I’m not opposed to TV church. For it allows be to combine two of my favorite past times (lying down and TV) with getting the ‘word’.

I don’t consider myself to be a religious person. More of a spiritual person. I have no lofty aspirations of joining the usher board or being a mother of the church. That being said, when I start popping out mini-me and ‘nem, we will go to church. No question about it!!! We will hit up some Sunday school, have a little post service fellowship time, and maybe in the summers a little vacation Bible School.

Why would I want my kids to participate in organized religion when pre-kids, as an adult, I don’t? Simple! I want my kids to believe there’s something higher. I want them to believe in something higher than what we see in this world. I want something to back up my words. Ya know?? I also want my kids to have a working knowledge of the Bible. I want them to be in the Easter Program and all that!!!! And maybe even some choir rehearsal on Thursday and Saturday!!! And where will I be?? Right there with them.

I am Catholic-Lite (Episcopalian). Will my kids be?? I have no idea. And I’m not even sure I will have them Christened. Because I want them to test out some religions and make their own choice. See, I don’t know how it works, but somehow, kids who go to church end up coming back to those basic ideas even if they don’t attend church regularly as adults. Sure they go through their rebellious phase. But as adults, they seem to be a bit more morally sound that the people who spent every Sunday morning playing soccer.

Now, the thing I haven’t figured out, with all my taking my kids to church, how will I manage?? Nothing about me says “Bible Beater Here”. And I know you can go to church without getting obsesses. And I know people at church are far from perfect. Even with that, I still feel like it’s a good place for kids. And my kids will be there every Sunday mornin’!